Anything But Different

I’ve known you for 3 years and I always thought we were anything but similar. Of all the time I spent with you and all the secrets we shared, all I could encapsulate was that we were two different people from two completely different worlds that could never become one. I could never imagine stepping into yours and you probably didn’t want to step into mine.

I was always unsure if you even liked me. And I felt like you didn’t know how much I adored you.  Contemplating my words before, to make sure you understood exactly what I meant and I always ended up feeling the opposite.

And now that I see you go through the same things I’d just happen to overcome, I can’t help but feel I’m looking at my reflection in the water. The reflection went through the same experiences I had to go through. It has my blurry outlines, but it’s still me. 

And right now, I’m struggling to make you feel better if I can. Tell you the same things you told me that Friday afternoon. I don’t know if you believe me when I tell you that I have felt exactly the same, or I’ve cried for the same reasons, but it’s really true. I don’t blame you if you tell me it’s not the same.  Our wounds might be different, but they’ll leave the same scar. All I’m trying to tell you that I’ve been there where you are now; just to make you realize that it’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay to feel completely shattered, it’s okay to yearn for somebody who has, now, become so alienated. 

I thought we’d always be two different people in our two completely different worlds that could never become one. But now we seem to be in the same world, rather we seem to be the same person.  Maybe we’ve always been the same but we were too occupied to notice our similarities. And now 3 years later that I’ve known you, I know now that we’re anything but different.

You just left.

And you brought so much into her life. Her heart was cold, and frozen. And your warmth melted it. She saw so much more, felt so much more. She was living, breathing again. She broke my own rules. The ones she had promised herself she never would. Just for you And what did you do to her in the end? Hung up on her, left her. Forever. She was wrecked. But she was glad it was over. As absurd it sounds, even to her I’m sure; she felt a thickness of happiness and the strolling sadness which followed.  She was glad she had escaped it. The tears, the daily routine of fighting which never ended. There was one thing to argue over and before it'd end, another argument would catch up. These were the devastating 4 months, but she has seen worse. She had too many worries for the next year at college. How everything would affect her studies, her family too. She had to come up for excuses why her eyes were red and swollen up. She couldn’t tell them she has been crying. So much that it burned her eyes and burned her nostrils and burned her heart. Her heart - that didn't believe in love anymore. Her heart that didn't know this would happen. But with the feeling of satisfaction that it was over, she let herself believe that a part of her, a very small bit of her, knew this would end someday. Because anything that makes her happy, never lasts for long. But the way it ended, she would've never imagined it. 

Over this? Just over this you left her and everything back and never came around. Maybe you might. But she won’t take you back. She won’t let herself be played again. Like she always told you, "I’m not your toy". 

She broke her own rules. The ones she had promised herself she never would. Just for you. 

And you, you just left.

Fast Forward Life?

How many time have we wished we could fast forward life, skip the hard part so you don’t have to go through the pain? How many times do we think no one cares for us? How many times do we think that there’s no one to catch us when we fall? The truth is, most of the time, the answer is always negative. And it just kills you to think why. But you have to get on with it. There is no other option. You can not switch off your feelings and just get over the hurt.

You’re not really as much important for somebody as much as they say you are. And never believe they won’t hurt you, because words and actions are the two completely different things. They will hurt you and they will carve your heart on the wall. It’s easier to say that the cow jumped over the moon than to actually prove it.

    

In our lives, we will get back stabbed, be lied to, forgotten, not be forgiven for unintentional mistakes, we will be at times forced to take the blame for something we could never do. You will see sides of people you never thought you would. People will do things that will shake you up. But you know what, you gotta stay strong! Life is one heck of a journey.

With all this, we have to stay firm and believe in ourselves and that also is easier said than done! It’s quite hard to look over all the miseries and get the best of yourself. What you can do is, be at your own beck and call. How many time have you wished you could fast forward life?

Transformation

It’s ironic when two lives cross each other and things change. Out of nowhere, their lives collide like a mere coincidence. But nothing is a coincidence. It’s always meant to be. Things happen precipitously. So sudden that it takes a while to grasp it. To realize that it has happened, that things will be different from now on.

I was never used to change. I never liked how things just change to something else. And you watch it all happen it front of you but can’t stop it. You don’t even know it's happening when it’s happening. I hated how unaware one is while transition. Because the process is so slow that you barely notice it. You barely notice your life is being transformed into another. It used to take such long time for me to grab hold of the thought that it’s not the same anymore. That life is on another pathway now; things are going to be different now. I never accepted a change. I was fixated in wanting to have things going the way they’re going, and that was alright till the end of the world. And yet, I craved for new things when I got bored. Life is never easy with me, transforming or not.

Losing a friend could be as hurtful as it is. It’s a change one eventually gets used to though it took me a while, a long while. But finding love is the change that changes everything else. Looking back, when you see life from the beginning, you realize you’ve completely revolutionized as a person. And its not so bad.

Change is always good – that’s what I’ve always heard people say. But from what I know, most of the time, it’s not. Most of the time, it’s wrecking one’s life. Or maybe I just dramatize every single thing that happens to me.

A certain feeling..

It is so hard to stay in control all the time. It is so hard to hold it all together every single minute of every single day. To be able to take control and fix everything all the time and just when you’re about to fall off the edge, it comes to that breaking point where you want to give up and let chaos take place. And just for that time, you let your tragedies to ensue. And just for that time, you want to stand aside and watch everything go down. Right where it belonged in the first place.

When one of these days arrives, where you have no strength and compassion left at all to fight anything any longer, you will be so deprived of the love that you never had. You will burst out with every little insecurity you’ve ever felt within you. You will explode with the slightest contradiction. May it be a brainless, senseless opinion for the most silly and senseless little thing, you just can’t take it any more.

It’s hard, and it’s tough and it’s frustrating how anything anyone says pulls you off the track. It’s as simple as to realize you just want to be listened to, not heard. You just want to have things your way now, because you've had enough being altered, tainted, changed and then changed again into someone else.

There’s no end to this feeling. It comes and goes away, and then it comes back again. It lives in you forever.