The Reality Inside Her

How did I get here? The question we all ask ourselves. How did we get here, how did we become who are right now, this moment? And how what we used to be only a year ago feels like a distant past. People change. And she changed. She could’ve told them how she couldn’t imagine her life without them by her side, but all she can feel is a lump in her throat. The feeling that she would only embarrass herself, that they would only laugh it off what she spent weeks thinking about, that what good is it to remind them that your guard is down.

When they misused, twisted, chewed and then threw her words in her face, they didn't know how impeccably disastrous it would be. She’s not insecure anymore, not uncertain. She’s only been hurt. Hurt enough to stop telling people she loves them and what they mean to her. Hurt enough to presume she doesn't matter anymore, even if she did. Hurt enough to start believe her words don’t mean much, if they meant anything at all.  

She thinks that they probably knew. They probably knew that she’s suffering. But do they, really? Is it that easy to throw people off? To make them think so contrary to the reality that only exists inside you? Is it really that easy to forge one’s bearing that even the closest of all fall for it? They did fall for it and it makes her feel a strange kind of sadness. But yet, she laughs it off. 

People around you need reassurance that they’re still wanted, and loved, and that you think them alive in the hours of death. They need to be reminded what they still mean to you or they’d have no reason to not start think otherwise. But when you mean equally to them, when they know you, wouldn’t they know this?

Don’t you know this.

Anything But Different

I’ve known you for 3 years and I always thought we were anything but similar. Of all the time I spent with you and all the secrets we shared, all I could encapsulate was that we were two different people from two completely different worlds that could never become one. I could never imagine stepping into yours and you probably didn’t want to step into mine.

I was always unsure if you even liked me. And I felt like you didn’t know how much I adored you.  Contemplating my words before, to make sure you understood exactly what I meant and I always ended up feeling the opposite.

And now that I see you go through the same things I’d just happen to overcome, I can’t help but feel I’m looking at my reflection in the water. The reflection went through the same experiences I had to go through. It has my blurry outlines, but it’s still me. 

And right now, I’m struggling to make you feel better if I can. Tell you the same things you told me that Friday afternoon. I don’t know if you believe me when I tell you that I have felt exactly the same, or I’ve cried for the same reasons, but it’s really true. I don’t blame you if you tell me it’s not the same.  Our wounds might be different, but they’ll leave the same scar. All I’m trying to tell you that I’ve been there where you are now; just to make you realize that it’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay to feel completely shattered, it’s okay to yearn for somebody who has, now, become so alienated. 

I thought we’d always be two different people in our two completely different worlds that could never become one. But now we seem to be in the same world, rather we seem to be the same person.  Maybe we’ve always been the same but we were too occupied to notice our similarities. And now 3 years later that I’ve known you, I know now that we’re anything but different.

You just left.

And you brought so much into her life. Her heart was cold, and frozen. And your warmth melted it. She saw so much more, felt so much more. She was living, breathing again. She broke my own rules. The ones she had promised herself she never would. Just for you And what did you do to her in the end? Hung up on her, left her. Forever. She was wrecked. But she was glad it was over. As absurd it sounds, even to her I’m sure; she felt a thickness of happiness and the strolling sadness which followed.  She was glad she had escaped it. The tears, the daily routine of fighting which never ended. There was one thing to argue over and before it'd end, another argument would catch up. These were the devastating 4 months, but she has seen worse. She had too many worries for the next year at college. How everything would affect her studies, her family too. She had to come up for excuses why her eyes were red and swollen up. She couldn’t tell them she has been crying. So much that it burned her eyes and burned her nostrils and burned her heart. Her heart - that didn't believe in love anymore. Her heart that didn't know this would happen. But with the feeling of satisfaction that it was over, she let herself believe that a part of her, a very small bit of her, knew this would end someday. Because anything that makes her happy, never lasts for long. But the way it ended, she would've never imagined it. 

Over this? Just over this you left her and everything back and never came around. Maybe you might. But she won’t take you back. She won’t let herself be played again. Like she always told you, "I’m not your toy". 

She broke her own rules. The ones she had promised herself she never would. Just for you. 

And you, you just left.

Fast Forward Life?

How many time have we wished we could fast forward life, skip the hard part so you don’t have to go through the pain? How many times do we think no one cares for us? How many times do we think that there’s no one to catch us when we fall? The truth is, most of the time, the answer is always negative. And it just kills you to think why. But you have to get on with it. There is no other option. You can not switch off your feelings and just get over the hurt.

You’re not really as much important for somebody as much as they say you are. And never believe they won’t hurt you, because words and actions are the two completely different things. They will hurt you and they will carve your heart on the wall. It’s easier to say that the cow jumped over the moon than to actually prove it.

    

In our lives, we will get back stabbed, be lied to, forgotten, not be forgiven for unintentional mistakes, we will be at times forced to take the blame for something we could never do. You will see sides of people you never thought you would. People will do things that will shake you up. But you know what, you gotta stay strong! Life is one heck of a journey.

With all this, we have to stay firm and believe in ourselves and that also is easier said than done! It’s quite hard to look over all the miseries and get the best of yourself. What you can do is, be at your own beck and call. How many time have you wished you could fast forward life?

A certain feeling..

It is so hard to stay in control all the time. It is so hard to hold it all together every single minute of every single day. To be able to take control and fix everything all the time and just when you’re about to fall off the edge, it comes to that breaking point where you want to give up and let chaos take place. And just for that time, you let your tragedies to ensue. And just for that time, you want to stand aside and watch everything go down. Right where it belonged in the first place.

When one of these days arrives, where you have no strength and compassion left at all to fight anything any longer, you will be so deprived of the love that you never had. You will burst out with every little insecurity you’ve ever felt within you. You will explode with the slightest contradiction. May it be a brainless, senseless opinion for the most silly and senseless little thing, you just can’t take it any more.

It’s hard, and it’s tough and it’s frustrating how anything anyone says pulls you off the track. It’s as simple as to realize you just want to be listened to, not heard. You just want to have things your way now, because you've had enough being altered, tainted, changed and then changed again into someone else.

There’s no end to this feeling. It comes and goes away, and then it comes back again. It lives in you forever.

Changes don't change back.

Changes don’t change back no matter what you do. No matter how “okay” you are with whatever has happened, no matter the number of times you’ve tried to convince people that it does not mean anything to you anymore. And no matter how many times you’ve told yourself you’re done with it but you’re not. You can not pass an order. Feelings and emotions and hurt don’t go away like that. You’re gonna want it back at some point, very soon or too after. You’re gonna want it so bad that it gets so much harder to even face it. You become so weak that it literally hurts when you think or hear or just come across about anything that happened and changed everything.

What’s done can not be undone. Once said, it can not be unsaid. Why not? The things that hurt the most are the things that can not be undone. Well, why not? Why can't we go back to how things used to be, how everything used to be. It could've been a blessing. You even learn to let go, but then at certain times and certain situations, it becomes something impossible for you to do or to stick with it.

How do we accept all these things that happen? Who can we blame? And for what part of the situation we cry about. Sometimes all you need is.... No, we all need different things in the same situation because all of us, we're different from each other. But we pray and know the same, changes don't change back. And all you can do is wish.

Changes happen.

It's amazing how a person can go through such an immense transformation. It's like reincarnating within yourself. There are so many changes a person can go through. It's uncountable and untraceable. Day by day it seems nothing is changing and probably most things won't, but when you look back after a while, you realise all the things and people that have changed. Slowly. Without you noticing. The process is so slow that you can merely see it happen when its happening. It's bitter-sweet. A lot more bitter than sweet. Every other person says change is good. I say change is good. I often wonder how it is so. No one ever seems to like the change whether it'd be of any kind. You just learn to live with it. And get used to it eventually. That's human nature, the tendency of persuasion, and proneness. But anything you get used to doesn't portray its goodness or likeability. Its just a matter of time that takes one to realise and get on with the changes.

The changes you decide are the hard ones. The changes someone decides are the hardest ones. You can go back and change you mind but you can't go back and change someone else's mind. It's not easy for me to know that the change someone else decides for themselves changes you completely. It's when a final blow finally hits you and you just stand there watching it all happen so suddenly or too slowly. Either way, there's nothing you can do about it. And it's sad because you never chose it to happen to you. And then there comes a time when you realise it won't be the same today as it was yesterday, it will never be the same tomorrow as it is today.

“Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.” - Winston Churchill

Worst feeling ever.

Worst feeling ever? Not knowing the reason why you feel like nothing. You can't put your finger on what's really wrong. You know you've moved on from so much, or have you? Do you just think you've moved on, and gotten over the pain? Or do you just keep lingering to the past unknowingly. If you're not over, you should know. If you're over it, that you should know too. So why does it feel like you're about to have an intense breakdown? You never do. And its just sad because all that locked drawers of mixed feelings never even get a peak inside. All those emotions have been balled up inside and you never find a way to let them out. What could you answer to "what's wrong?" when you don't even know it yourself.

You can spend months, years trying to fix everything, but it never goes back to how it was. You don't even know which one thing you want to go back to, or do you want to go back at all. It doesn't make a difference because you can't go back even if you want to. There are never any turning points. There's no way you can just go back, literally or figuratively. There's only one way you can go, and that's the one going forward. Just forget and move on. And in the end of the day, that's all you can do.

Broken.

She knows everything about love and relationships that she needs to know: they don't last. She knows everything about relationships that she needs to know because you hurt her over again and again, and got her coming back for you every single time. Not because she didn't know, but because she chose to look over the details of a wreck you were turning her into. The more it went on, the deeper she went in, but you were always shallow. Why did you had to be this way? Wrong question. Right question would be, 'what the heck was she thinking when she said "I love you"?' How can one be so deeply in love that they overlook every single flaw, every lie? Is it possible to be that patient, and to think you'd change someday? You could never change. Feelings mean nothing to you. And one day, you'd get stabbed in the heart like you stabbed her and left her bleeding. She had given up for good; on relationships, on friends, on life. But everyone's saviour comes around sooner or later. Her's came around sooner. And she was healing from all the pain, the scars, the fear. She laughed more often, cried a lot less. She looked full of life, again. Just when she had gotten over you, you come back and took her by surprise. You just couldn't stand her being happy, could you? You had to, you just had to come back in her life again to cause the damage she just had recovered. But you got her coming back for you, again, like you always did. You made her go through even worse now, but she didn't overlook this time. She had her say, she had her choice. But you never stopped her as she walked away. You never did. She gave you everything, and she still hasn't got anything back. So much for loving you. 

How do you feel?

It's a sad thing when you don't know how to feel. You just sit there, trying to figure out what is it that you really want. What is it that you're really missing out on? Even when you're busy, it's still there in the back of your mind; the feeling, it's just...there.

The worst time is when you're up really late, and alone, and you're wishing for something to distract you from this almost-agonizing feeling. There's never nothing on T.V., all your friends are asleep and you just sit there in your bed, thinking about nothing, and everything. Just thinking. You've never tried so hard to be busy, you've never tried so hard to sleep to keep you from thinking. It's like waiting on a miracle thats just about to happen. It never does. No miracle is gonna happen and take this feeling away that's soaking your blood. You feel weak, and you actually feel a hole inside you chest, a huge empty space right there inside of you. And then comes a time that you realize you've stopped living for yourself. You're life's not yours anymore. You feel lifeless, soulless. You dream, but now it's not for yourself anymore. The only thing you do for yourself is just thinking that would there ever be when you truly feel complete; when that empty space inside is is all filled up, or just gone.  And you just don't know when that is going to happen.