A certain feeling..

It is so hard to stay in control all the time. It is so hard to hold it all together every single minute of every single day. To be able to take control and fix everything all the time and just when you’re about to fall off the edge, it comes to that breaking point where you want to give up and let chaos take place. And just for that time, you let your tragedies to ensue. And just for that time, you want to stand aside and watch everything go down. Right where it belonged in the first place.

When one of these days arrives, where you have no strength and compassion left at all to fight anything any longer, you will be so deprived of the love that you never had. You will burst out with every little insecurity you’ve ever felt within you. You will explode with the slightest contradiction. May it be a brainless, senseless opinion for the most silly and senseless little thing, you just can’t take it any more.

It’s hard, and it’s tough and it’s frustrating how anything anyone says pulls you off the track. It’s as simple as to realize you just want to be listened to, not heard. You just want to have things your way now, because you've had enough being altered, tainted, changed and then changed again into someone else.

There’s no end to this feeling. It comes and goes away, and then it comes back again. It lives in you forever.

People.

People. The most interesting living beings. People have the most influence on me. They can inspire me to such an extend that i'm changed inside and out. People, for me hold the ability to change a life, whether it'd be as unimportant as mine. Every other promises to stay, but things build up to such a situation that they just leave, they leave me with their version of myself, which is so hard to deal with because they're not there anymore, they're far gone and they have someone that replaces me.

I have always been to change when a new person came along. And I have stopped doing that. I would be so much different than I am in so many ways because I would lose my opinions and thoughts that I never had. Because everything I believed in was owned by the last person that left me.  I've always let them turn me into themselves because I've always been alone and I've wanted a safe place to go to when everything else is wrong, when everything else is running out of hands. And I've always needed a hideout shelter I never had. I've always been alone. I've always needed a hideout shelter I never had.

No matter the number of rough experiences I've had with people, I've lost the intimacy at some level and I may lose the intimacy at all but I will never lose the interest of watching them from a distance and knowing their ways. How they tend to do one thing and turn out doing another People, indeed the most interesting living beings.