Anything But Different

I’ve known you for 3 years and I always thought we were anything but similar. Of all the time I spent with you and all the secrets we shared, all I could encapsulate was that we were two different people from two completely different worlds that could never become one. I could never imagine stepping into yours and you probably didn’t want to step into mine.

I was always unsure if you even liked me. And I felt like you didn’t know how much I adored you.  Contemplating my words before, to make sure you understood exactly what I meant and I always ended up feeling the opposite.

And now that I see you go through the same things I’d just happen to overcome, I can’t help but feel I’m looking at my reflection in the water. The reflection went through the same experiences I had to go through. It has my blurry outlines, but it’s still me. 

And right now, I’m struggling to make you feel better if I can. Tell you the same things you told me that Friday afternoon. I don’t know if you believe me when I tell you that I have felt exactly the same, or I’ve cried for the same reasons, but it’s really true. I don’t blame you if you tell me it’s not the same.  Our wounds might be different, but they’ll leave the same scar. All I’m trying to tell you that I’ve been there where you are now; just to make you realize that it’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay to feel completely shattered, it’s okay to yearn for somebody who has, now, become so alienated. 

I thought we’d always be two different people in our two completely different worlds that could never become one. But now we seem to be in the same world, rather we seem to be the same person.  Maybe we’ve always been the same but we were too occupied to notice our similarities. And now 3 years later that I’ve known you, I know now that we’re anything but different.

You just left.

And you brought so much into her life. Her heart was cold, and frozen. And your warmth melted it. She saw so much more, felt so much more. She was living, breathing again. She broke my own rules. The ones she had promised herself she never would. Just for you And what did you do to her in the end? Hung up on her, left her. Forever. She was wrecked. But she was glad it was over. As absurd it sounds, even to her I’m sure; she felt a thickness of happiness and the strolling sadness which followed.  She was glad she had escaped it. The tears, the daily routine of fighting which never ended. There was one thing to argue over and before it'd end, another argument would catch up. These were the devastating 4 months, but she has seen worse. She had too many worries for the next year at college. How everything would affect her studies, her family too. She had to come up for excuses why her eyes were red and swollen up. She couldn’t tell them she has been crying. So much that it burned her eyes and burned her nostrils and burned her heart. Her heart - that didn't believe in love anymore. Her heart that didn't know this would happen. But with the feeling of satisfaction that it was over, she let herself believe that a part of her, a very small bit of her, knew this would end someday. Because anything that makes her happy, never lasts for long. But the way it ended, she would've never imagined it. 

Over this? Just over this you left her and everything back and never came around. Maybe you might. But she won’t take you back. She won’t let herself be played again. Like she always told you, "I’m not your toy". 

She broke her own rules. The ones she had promised herself she never would. Just for you. 

And you, you just left.

Transformation

It’s ironic when two lives cross each other and things change. Out of nowhere, their lives collide like a mere coincidence. But nothing is a coincidence. It’s always meant to be. Things happen precipitously. So sudden that it takes a while to grasp it. To realize that it has happened, that things will be different from now on.

I was never used to change. I never liked how things just change to something else. And you watch it all happen it front of you but can’t stop it. You don’t even know it's happening when it’s happening. I hated how unaware one is while transition. Because the process is so slow that you barely notice it. You barely notice your life is being transformed into another. It used to take such long time for me to grab hold of the thought that it’s not the same anymore. That life is on another pathway now; things are going to be different now. I never accepted a change. I was fixated in wanting to have things going the way they’re going, and that was alright till the end of the world. And yet, I craved for new things when I got bored. Life is never easy with me, transforming or not.

Losing a friend could be as hurtful as it is. It’s a change one eventually gets used to though it took me a while, a long while. But finding love is the change that changes everything else. Looking back, when you see life from the beginning, you realize you’ve completely revolutionized as a person. And its not so bad.

Change is always good – that’s what I’ve always heard people say. But from what I know, most of the time, it’s not. Most of the time, it’s wrecking one’s life. Or maybe I just dramatize every single thing that happens to me.

Fear of loss.

The loss of a beloved one is colossal. Its so hard to define the amount pain that it carries through. Because there is no measurement for pain. The strongest of people grow weak. The mightiest of kings fall sick. Its untolerable and More especially when you have to go through the wrecks of disapproval one on one, one after another. One becomes a complete devastation turned out of misery. Deep scars don't go away easy, and neither does the pain.  And feeling like the last person left in the universe is nothing compared to the loneliness that it holds.

You just develop the conviction, you know, that everyone is going to leave at some point. Maybe too soon, or maybe too late, but they will leave. Because you're in yourself not a reason enough for anyone to stay. Because you're worthless. That's all that you are, worthless and futile. And no one and nothing in the world can change that. Because no one can deny the truth.

But then, almost like a real fairytale, someone comes along to wakes you up from your sleep. Their kiss of love turns your world around. And suddenly everything that you knew, changed. And this unaccustomed world is indubitably where you wanted to be. Where you always wanted to be. A place where you've been before. A place from where you had to leave. And yet, here it is again, but this will be the last time you let someone came around. But its here again, only better and ameliorated. And then the rain is suddenly a blessing.

You're beautiful.

Seasons change, people change. Things fall apart, and then they fall together. Things And we should move on because there are so may wonderful yet bitter-sweet yet amazing things out there, waiting to happen to you. Life has its lemons to throw at you, its upto you to take and squeeze 'em or get hit by 'em.happen. 

But you know what, there are so many things that you will do. So many achievements to earn, so many opportunities to hold, so many wonders to create, so many lives to inspire, so many hearts to capture. Never let yourself down and I will never let you hit the ground. You're meant to be taken care of because you are that special. You're strong and I know that, I've seen that. You're impeccable in what you are. You're flawless, there's nothing anyone would ever want to change about to you. You're deep and rooted and just unbelievably unexplainable.

November 2, 2011.

You are one of the very few people I solely love. And its impossible for me to explain how much. And how easy and simple you make it for anyone to love you. I love listening to you, knowing that you have things to tell me. I love doing things for you. And as cheesy as it sounds, I don't care because you're my best friend, my sister and I love you for everything that you are. You're amazing. I just wanna let you know that you're beautiful in your own.

You.

Life has so much to give; the good and the bad, the reckless and the profound. Life gives from one hand and takes from the other. Too often we don’t see what we get; too often we only see what we lose. They say, when something is taken away from you, you’re meant to incur something better. And good things fall apart so that better things can fall together. Better things do fall together.

I haven't known you for a long time. But if this falls apart, nothing better will fall together because there won’t be anything better than this. I haven’t known you for a long time. I haven’t known you for a long enough time to even realize you could mean so much to me, but you do. To even believe, for me, when all of this happened so soon, so suddenly, in such a spur of a moment that it was impossible to even think of holding back. Because there was no holding back with you. So my world, my worthless, empty, dark world commenced to revolve around you.

I was never so careful with people. I was never this doubtful until some things happened. But you, you changed everything. Silence was the only sound I wanted to hear, but then you came around. As sudden as it was, I am still amazed. You went first with everything. If it was upto me, I wouldn't have come out of my closure. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have you.

Someone More Than A Friend

You know what? Anyone can clearly tell that you like her, because you've been saying some things that just state the fact so. Not that you said "the words" but it really is all that clear, even to her. But is she ready now? Will she be ready, ever? Things have been tough on her lately, and you appeal to her more than anything right now. But she has gone through so much that she is literally scared to trust anyone at this point. Because everyone who said that they'll never break her heart, did. And it gets harder with every passing day. I'm not going to overstate about everything and how it all has been so hard on her. Things haven't been too easier for you either. But somehow you seem to have been moved on from all that in the past. So has she, or does she just comes off that way?

"I will never let you down." Well she has heard that one before. She was made to believe she was perfect, now every piece of her denies the definition of "perfect". You blame yourself, but its not your fault. You weren't even there when it all happened so stop blaming yourself that some part of you might have did wrong to her.  Such simple things can turn into major complications before you know it. A simple friends changes to someone more than just a friend. You learn to overlook the feeling, but it never really goes away. She's someone more than a friend to you, but you're just a friend to her. It never really turns out the way you hoped for it to. There's not enough reasons. There's only enough of a person that you can destroy until they're indignant and enough agonized not to feel anything else, not even pain.

I hope you find your way. And I hope she finds her way too, or will she?