You just left.

And you brought so much into her life. Her heart was cold, and frozen. And your warmth melted it. She saw so much more, felt so much more. She was living, breathing again. She broke my own rules. The ones she had promised herself she never would. Just for you And what did you do to her in the end? Hung up on her, left her. Forever. She was wrecked. But she was glad it was over. As absurd it sounds, even to her I’m sure; she felt a thickness of happiness and the strolling sadness which followed.  She was glad she had escaped it. The tears, the daily routine of fighting which never ended. There was one thing to argue over and before it'd end, another argument would catch up. These were the devastating 4 months, but she has seen worse. She had too many worries for the next year at college. How everything would affect her studies, her family too. She had to come up for excuses why her eyes were red and swollen up. She couldn’t tell them she has been crying. So much that it burned her eyes and burned her nostrils and burned her heart. Her heart - that didn't believe in love anymore. Her heart that didn't know this would happen. But with the feeling of satisfaction that it was over, she let herself believe that a part of her, a very small bit of her, knew this would end someday. Because anything that makes her happy, never lasts for long. But the way it ended, she would've never imagined it. 

Over this? Just over this you left her and everything back and never came around. Maybe you might. But she won’t take you back. She won’t let herself be played again. Like she always told you, "I’m not your toy". 

She broke her own rules. The ones she had promised herself she never would. Just for you. 

And you, you just left.

Fast Forward Life?

How many time have we wished we could fast forward life, skip the hard part so you don’t have to go through the pain? How many times do we think no one cares for us? How many times do we think that there’s no one to catch us when we fall? The truth is, most of the time, the answer is always negative. And it just kills you to think why. But you have to get on with it. There is no other option. You can not switch off your feelings and just get over the hurt.

You’re not really as much important for somebody as much as they say you are. And never believe they won’t hurt you, because words and actions are the two completely different things. They will hurt you and they will carve your heart on the wall. It’s easier to say that the cow jumped over the moon than to actually prove it.

    

In our lives, we will get back stabbed, be lied to, forgotten, not be forgiven for unintentional mistakes, we will be at times forced to take the blame for something we could never do. You will see sides of people you never thought you would. People will do things that will shake you up. But you know what, you gotta stay strong! Life is one heck of a journey.

With all this, we have to stay firm and believe in ourselves and that also is easier said than done! It’s quite hard to look over all the miseries and get the best of yourself. What you can do is, be at your own beck and call. How many time have you wished you could fast forward life?

People.

People. The most interesting living beings. People have the most influence on me. They can inspire me to such an extend that i'm changed inside and out. People, for me hold the ability to change a life, whether it'd be as unimportant as mine. Every other promises to stay, but things build up to such a situation that they just leave, they leave me with their version of myself, which is so hard to deal with because they're not there anymore, they're far gone and they have someone that replaces me.

I have always been to change when a new person came along. And I have stopped doing that. I would be so much different than I am in so many ways because I would lose my opinions and thoughts that I never had. Because everything I believed in was owned by the last person that left me.  I've always let them turn me into themselves because I've always been alone and I've wanted a safe place to go to when everything else is wrong, when everything else is running out of hands. And I've always needed a hideout shelter I never had. I've always been alone. I've always needed a hideout shelter I never had.

No matter the number of rough experiences I've had with people, I've lost the intimacy at some level and I may lose the intimacy at all but I will never lose the interest of watching them from a distance and knowing their ways. How they tend to do one thing and turn out doing another People, indeed the most interesting living beings.

I miss you, buddy.

How do you tell someone you miss them? It has always been the hardest thing for me, the hardest ever. It takes every ounce of caurage for me to say the words. How do you say sorry and have them know that you really, truly mean it?  How do you know that they really know what you're trying to say, and what you're saying is right?  A broken friendship is hard to deal with, because you don't have anyone to go when things with your best friend go wrong. You no more have that safe hide out place. You no more have that one person you can complain about your day, and tell funny stories to, and say whatever and act completely insane with. Once you've had it, and then when you no longer have it, its something so devastating that can not be descibed in words. One must experience it to understand the feeling of complete recklessness.

I may seem okay, but all I can ever think about is that one person that I'm no longer close to and its been so complicated  and its been so long that I can barely remember what exactly went wrong and where.  All I know is that all I want now is just to have that person back, and everything like the way it used to be before. But nothing ever goes back to as it was before.

And if that person is reading this right now, and if you know this about you,and you would, because its that obvious. I just want to tell you that I miss you; and I never said this to you because I couln't gather enough courage to even say that. And I know that you know this is for you, because it is that obvious. I miss you, buddy.

Worst feeling ever.

Worst feeling ever? Not knowing the reason why you feel like nothing. You can't put your finger on what's really wrong. You know you've moved on from so much, or have you? Do you just think you've moved on, and gotten over the pain? Or do you just keep lingering to the past unknowingly. If you're not over, you should know. If you're over it, that you should know too. So why does it feel like you're about to have an intense breakdown? You never do. And its just sad because all that locked drawers of mixed feelings never even get a peak inside. All those emotions have been balled up inside and you never find a way to let them out. What could you answer to "what's wrong?" when you don't even know it yourself.

You can spend months, years trying to fix everything, but it never goes back to how it was. You don't even know which one thing you want to go back to, or do you want to go back at all. It doesn't make a difference because you can't go back even if you want to. There are never any turning points. There's no way you can just go back, literally or figuratively. There's only one way you can go, and that's the one going forward. Just forget and move on. And in the end of the day, that's all you can do.

How do you feel?

It's a sad thing when you don't know how to feel. You just sit there, trying to figure out what is it that you really want. What is it that you're really missing out on? Even when you're busy, it's still there in the back of your mind; the feeling, it's just...there.

The worst time is when you're up really late, and alone, and you're wishing for something to distract you from this almost-agonizing feeling. There's never nothing on T.V., all your friends are asleep and you just sit there in your bed, thinking about nothing, and everything. Just thinking. You've never tried so hard to be busy, you've never tried so hard to sleep to keep you from thinking. It's like waiting on a miracle thats just about to happen. It never does. No miracle is gonna happen and take this feeling away that's soaking your blood. You feel weak, and you actually feel a hole inside you chest, a huge empty space right there inside of you. And then comes a time that you realize you've stopped living for yourself. You're life's not yours anymore. You feel lifeless, soulless. You dream, but now it's not for yourself anymore. The only thing you do for yourself is just thinking that would there ever be when you truly feel complete; when that empty space inside is is all filled up, or just gone.  And you just don't know when that is going to happen.