Transformation

It’s ironic when two lives cross each other and things change. Out of nowhere, their lives collide like a mere coincidence. But nothing is a coincidence. It’s always meant to be. Things happen precipitously. So sudden that it takes a while to grasp it. To realize that it has happened, that things will be different from now on.

I was never used to change. I never liked how things just change to something else. And you watch it all happen it front of you but can’t stop it. You don’t even know it's happening when it’s happening. I hated how unaware one is while transition. Because the process is so slow that you barely notice it. You barely notice your life is being transformed into another. It used to take such long time for me to grab hold of the thought that it’s not the same anymore. That life is on another pathway now; things are going to be different now. I never accepted a change. I was fixated in wanting to have things going the way they’re going, and that was alright till the end of the world. And yet, I craved for new things when I got bored. Life is never easy with me, transforming or not.

Losing a friend could be as hurtful as it is. It’s a change one eventually gets used to though it took me a while, a long while. But finding love is the change that changes everything else. Looking back, when you see life from the beginning, you realize you’ve completely revolutionized as a person. And its not so bad.

Change is always good – that’s what I’ve always heard people say. But from what I know, most of the time, it’s not. Most of the time, it’s wrecking one’s life. Or maybe I just dramatize every single thing that happens to me.

A certain feeling..

It is so hard to stay in control all the time. It is so hard to hold it all together every single minute of every single day. To be able to take control and fix everything all the time and just when you’re about to fall off the edge, it comes to that breaking point where you want to give up and let chaos take place. And just for that time, you let your tragedies to ensue. And just for that time, you want to stand aside and watch everything go down. Right where it belonged in the first place.

When one of these days arrives, where you have no strength and compassion left at all to fight anything any longer, you will be so deprived of the love that you never had. You will burst out with every little insecurity you’ve ever felt within you. You will explode with the slightest contradiction. May it be a brainless, senseless opinion for the most silly and senseless little thing, you just can’t take it any more.

It’s hard, and it’s tough and it’s frustrating how anything anyone says pulls you off the track. It’s as simple as to realize you just want to be listened to, not heard. You just want to have things your way now, because you've had enough being altered, tainted, changed and then changed again into someone else.

There’s no end to this feeling. It comes and goes away, and then it comes back again. It lives in you forever.

Fear of loss.

The loss of a beloved one is colossal. Its so hard to define the amount pain that it carries through. Because there is no measurement for pain. The strongest of people grow weak. The mightiest of kings fall sick. Its untolerable and More especially when you have to go through the wrecks of disapproval one on one, one after another. One becomes a complete devastation turned out of misery. Deep scars don't go away easy, and neither does the pain.  And feeling like the last person left in the universe is nothing compared to the loneliness that it holds.

You just develop the conviction, you know, that everyone is going to leave at some point. Maybe too soon, or maybe too late, but they will leave. Because you're in yourself not a reason enough for anyone to stay. Because you're worthless. That's all that you are, worthless and futile. And no one and nothing in the world can change that. Because no one can deny the truth.

But then, almost like a real fairytale, someone comes along to wakes you up from your sleep. Their kiss of love turns your world around. And suddenly everything that you knew, changed. And this unaccustomed world is indubitably where you wanted to be. Where you always wanted to be. A place where you've been before. A place from where you had to leave. And yet, here it is again, but this will be the last time you let someone came around. But its here again, only better and ameliorated. And then the rain is suddenly a blessing.

You're beautiful.

Seasons change, people change. Things fall apart, and then they fall together. Things And we should move on because there are so may wonderful yet bitter-sweet yet amazing things out there, waiting to happen to you. Life has its lemons to throw at you, its upto you to take and squeeze 'em or get hit by 'em.happen. 

But you know what, there are so many things that you will do. So many achievements to earn, so many opportunities to hold, so many wonders to create, so many lives to inspire, so many hearts to capture. Never let yourself down and I will never let you hit the ground. You're meant to be taken care of because you are that special. You're strong and I know that, I've seen that. You're impeccable in what you are. You're flawless, there's nothing anyone would ever want to change about to you. You're deep and rooted and just unbelievably unexplainable.

November 2, 2011.

You are one of the very few people I solely love. And its impossible for me to explain how much. And how easy and simple you make it for anyone to love you. I love listening to you, knowing that you have things to tell me. I love doing things for you. And as cheesy as it sounds, I don't care because you're my best friend, my sister and I love you for everything that you are. You're amazing. I just wanna let you know that you're beautiful in your own.

You.

Life has so much to give; the good and the bad, the reckless and the profound. Life gives from one hand and takes from the other. Too often we don’t see what we get; too often we only see what we lose. They say, when something is taken away from you, you’re meant to incur something better. And good things fall apart so that better things can fall together. Better things do fall together.

I haven't known you for a long time. But if this falls apart, nothing better will fall together because there won’t be anything better than this. I haven’t known you for a long time. I haven’t known you for a long enough time to even realize you could mean so much to me, but you do. To even believe, for me, when all of this happened so soon, so suddenly, in such a spur of a moment that it was impossible to even think of holding back. Because there was no holding back with you. So my world, my worthless, empty, dark world commenced to revolve around you.

I was never so careful with people. I was never this doubtful until some things happened. But you, you changed everything. Silence was the only sound I wanted to hear, but then you came around. As sudden as it was, I am still amazed. You went first with everything. If it was upto me, I wouldn't have come out of my closure. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have you.