I miss you, buddy.

How do you tell someone you miss them? It has always been the hardest thing for me, the hardest ever. It takes every ounce of caurage for me to say the words. How do you say sorry and have them know that you really, truly mean it?  How do you know that they really know what you're trying to say, and what you're saying is right?  A broken friendship is hard to deal with, because you don't have anyone to go when things with your best friend go wrong. You no more have that safe hide out place. You no more have that one person you can complain about your day, and tell funny stories to, and say whatever and act completely insane with. Once you've had it, and then when you no longer have it, its something so devastating that can not be descibed in words. One must experience it to understand the feeling of complete recklessness.

I may seem okay, but all I can ever think about is that one person that I'm no longer close to and its been so complicated  and its been so long that I can barely remember what exactly went wrong and where.  All I know is that all I want now is just to have that person back, and everything like the way it used to be before. But nothing ever goes back to as it was before.

And if that person is reading this right now, and if you know this about you,and you would, because its that obvious. I just want to tell you that I miss you; and I never said this to you because I couln't gather enough courage to even say that. And I know that you know this is for you, because it is that obvious. I miss you, buddy.

Figure it out!

Over this summer, I realised that you can't really walk out on people no matter what you do. You will always come across them, you might even just go back to them. You just can not block them out of your life. You can block anyone using your "Security" and "Privacy"  settings on your Facebook or mail account but that isn't possible is real life. They might just come across in a mall or a street or anywhere possible. There's no "block" button to click and ignore them right there. You will see them sooner or later. Usually it tends to be sooner than later.

Its very hard to just cope up with someone you don't like or just don't get along with, you're just annoyed for no particular reason. You can not walk out on people. You can not leave them and just disappear somewhere. Although one does wish that was possible at certain occasions when you can't take it more, when its been so long that you've had your say, when you've been just you and no one else.

There always is that certain time in your life that you need to be alone. Just very alone. No social networking websites, no texts or calls and barely any friends; or whom I would like to call "acquaintances". You got to figure out life and you can not do that with everyone. You have to figure out aims and purposes, family, friendships, people, love and set them in order. Saying everything, when you've never said anything. Sometime you just need to take a stand and let others know what you want, what you think; because if you wouldn't, who would?

Changes happen.

It's amazing how a person can go through such an immense transformation. It's like reincarnating within yourself. There are so many changes a person can go through. It's uncountable and untraceable. Day by day it seems nothing is changing and probably most things won't, but when you look back after a while, you realise all the things and people that have changed. Slowly. Without you noticing. The process is so slow that you can merely see it happen when its happening. It's bitter-sweet. A lot more bitter than sweet. Every other person says change is good. I say change is good. I often wonder how it is so. No one ever seems to like the change whether it'd be of any kind. You just learn to live with it. And get used to it eventually. That's human nature, the tendency of persuasion, and proneness. But anything you get used to doesn't portray its goodness or likeability. Its just a matter of time that takes one to realise and get on with the changes.

The changes you decide are the hard ones. The changes someone decides are the hardest ones. You can go back and change you mind but you can't go back and change someone else's mind. It's not easy for me to know that the change someone else decides for themselves changes you completely. It's when a final blow finally hits you and you just stand there watching it all happen so suddenly or too slowly. Either way, there's nothing you can do about it. And it's sad because you never chose it to happen to you. And then there comes a time when you realise it won't be the same today as it was yesterday, it will never be the same tomorrow as it is today.

“Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.” - Winston Churchill

Worst feeling ever.

Worst feeling ever? Not knowing the reason why you feel like nothing. You can't put your finger on what's really wrong. You know you've moved on from so much, or have you? Do you just think you've moved on, and gotten over the pain? Or do you just keep lingering to the past unknowingly. If you're not over, you should know. If you're over it, that you should know too. So why does it feel like you're about to have an intense breakdown? You never do. And its just sad because all that locked drawers of mixed feelings never even get a peak inside. All those emotions have been balled up inside and you never find a way to let them out. What could you answer to "what's wrong?" when you don't even know it yourself.

You can spend months, years trying to fix everything, but it never goes back to how it was. You don't even know which one thing you want to go back to, or do you want to go back at all. It doesn't make a difference because you can't go back even if you want to. There are never any turning points. There's no way you can just go back, literally or figuratively. There's only one way you can go, and that's the one going forward. Just forget and move on. And in the end of the day, that's all you can do.

Someone More Than A Friend

You know what? Anyone can clearly tell that you like her, because you've been saying some things that just state the fact so. Not that you said "the words" but it really is all that clear, even to her. But is she ready now? Will she be ready, ever? Things have been tough on her lately, and you appeal to her more than anything right now. But she has gone through so much that she is literally scared to trust anyone at this point. Because everyone who said that they'll never break her heart, did. And it gets harder with every passing day. I'm not going to overstate about everything and how it all has been so hard on her. Things haven't been too easier for you either. But somehow you seem to have been moved on from all that in the past. So has she, or does she just comes off that way?

"I will never let you down." Well she has heard that one before. She was made to believe she was perfect, now every piece of her denies the definition of "perfect". You blame yourself, but its not your fault. You weren't even there when it all happened so stop blaming yourself that some part of you might have did wrong to her.  Such simple things can turn into major complications before you know it. A simple friends changes to someone more than just a friend. You learn to overlook the feeling, but it never really goes away. She's someone more than a friend to you, but you're just a friend to her. It never really turns out the way you hoped for it to. There's not enough reasons. There's only enough of a person that you can destroy until they're indignant and enough agonized not to feel anything else, not even pain.

I hope you find your way. And I hope she finds her way too, or will she?