Them, and You.

Deprivation causes crime. Deprivation causes havoc. It causes disasters within you, and without you. How do you live with the demons inside your miserable mind? How do you fight your battles when the whole world seems against you? Your thoughts pull at you, grasp you with humiliation. Your thoughts, they never abandon you. You think you’re unsolicited, unwanted. You’re dejected and flawed. Oh honey, you’re not flawed. The society is. All they want is to make you pretend you’re one of them. They don't even care whether your heart belongs with them or not.  Because all of them, they’re pretending too.

They don’t care if you have big dreams. What are dreams anyway? Fragments of unreal cessation of reality. Who needs that when you've got  a game plan set in stone by the people who don’t know you. And I say that with absolute mock criticism. *winks with finger guns*

And that lot over there with their judgemental ideas and their cunning, disapproving looks, allow me to tell you how they feel as I type these very words. "Oh look at her with her outrageous and her criminal actions to set us astray from the ideals of our ancestors." Add in a haw-haye in there too if you may.

I feel sad and disappointed. What we, collectively as a society, have become is not something I would want to appreciate. The stimulus for this sort of behaviour being a number of things from the crappy Indian television shows to the misinterpretation of our own values through the generations.

We have become a bunch of haves and have-nots. And don't you think we are capable of something more than just that?

And they wish to deprive of your desires, not because they’re wrong but because they've been deprived of their own by people who are just like them. If only you knew how beautiful the inside of your mind is, how uncontaminated your heart is. You’d see then that the world is a better place because you’re here.

John Green — “You say you're not special because the world doesn't know about you, but that's an insult to me. I know about you.”

The Reality Inside Her

How did I get here? The question we all ask ourselves. How did we get here, how did we become who are right now, this moment? And how what we used to be only a year ago feels like a distant past. People change. And she changed. She could’ve told them how she couldn’t imagine her life without them by her side, but all she can feel is a lump in her throat. The feeling that she would only embarrass herself, that they would only laugh it off what she spent weeks thinking about, that what good is it to remind them that your guard is down.

When they misused, twisted, chewed and then threw her words in her face, they didn't know how impeccably disastrous it would be. She’s not insecure anymore, not uncertain. She’s only been hurt. Hurt enough to stop telling people she loves them and what they mean to her. Hurt enough to presume she doesn't matter anymore, even if she did. Hurt enough to start believe her words don’t mean much, if they meant anything at all.  

She thinks that they probably knew. They probably knew that she’s suffering. But do they, really? Is it that easy to throw people off? To make them think so contrary to the reality that only exists inside you? Is it really that easy to forge one’s bearing that even the closest of all fall for it? They did fall for it and it makes her feel a strange kind of sadness. But yet, she laughs it off. 

People around you need reassurance that they’re still wanted, and loved, and that you think them alive in the hours of death. They need to be reminded what they still mean to you or they’d have no reason to not start think otherwise. But when you mean equally to them, when they know you, wouldn’t they know this?

Don’t you know this.

Reality

We all need a prescription of a fairy-tale once in a while. We all need to believe that there exists something magical in our reality. That is, if reality exists without our mind to create it. But it doesn't  Reality is what we perceive of our surroundings. It is when we give meanings to things that haven’t even happened yet.

It is a blessing to have a tight grip on reality, but sometimes, you need a break from reality. You want to believe in the magical love that sweeps you off your feet and makes you fall head over heels for that special person. To be able to feel that rush, that tingly feeling in your toes and your hands, and feeling butterflies in your stomach. And your name sounds different when they say it. It sounds like the delicacy of a child, the breaking waves of an ocean.

How sad it is to listen to breakup songs before a year it might happen? How could that love not be more bitter than sweet? Or maybe it just isn't love at all. Maybe it’s just something we think we need, something that makes us feel we've let go of the past, something that replaces the thoughts we don’t want to think. Life isn't magical; love may or may not exist. If it does exist, it may never make you feel complete. And if it doesn't exist, there won’t be any questions to ask, no answers to give, no complications to solve, no confusions to  clarify, no hope and no expectations to be let down.

But how do we live without expecting the better outcome? It’s scary to not know what’s coming towards us, or what we’re going forward to is unknown, but what drives us crazy is to know that there will be no better outcome. How do you live with that? How can you not want to give up? When you think of giving up, I hope you think that you don’t really know what will the end be, or even if you’ll live to see it. This is where I tell myself to just live right now, in the present and not connect my future with my past and my past with my future, because I’m not the one to give the verdict of my own life.

Anything But Different

I’ve known you for 3 years and I always thought we were anything but similar. Of all the time I spent with you and all the secrets we shared, all I could encapsulate was that we were two different people from two completely different worlds that could never become one. I could never imagine stepping into yours and you probably didn’t want to step into mine.

I was always unsure if you even liked me. And I felt like you didn’t know how much I adored you.  Contemplating my words before, to make sure you understood exactly what I meant and I always ended up feeling the opposite.

And now that I see you go through the same things I’d just happen to overcome, I can’t help but feel I’m looking at my reflection in the water. The reflection went through the same experiences I had to go through. It has my blurry outlines, but it’s still me. 

And right now, I’m struggling to make you feel better if I can. Tell you the same things you told me that Friday afternoon. I don’t know if you believe me when I tell you that I have felt exactly the same, or I’ve cried for the same reasons, but it’s really true. I don’t blame you if you tell me it’s not the same.  Our wounds might be different, but they’ll leave the same scar. All I’m trying to tell you that I’ve been there where you are now; just to make you realize that it’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay to feel completely shattered, it’s okay to yearn for somebody who has, now, become so alienated. 

I thought we’d always be two different people in our two completely different worlds that could never become one. But now we seem to be in the same world, rather we seem to be the same person.  Maybe we’ve always been the same but we were too occupied to notice our similarities. And now 3 years later that I’ve known you, I know now that we’re anything but different.

You just left.

And you brought so much into her life. Her heart was cold, and frozen. And your warmth melted it. She saw so much more, felt so much more. She was living, breathing again. She broke my own rules. The ones she had promised herself she never would. Just for you And what did you do to her in the end? Hung up on her, left her. Forever. She was wrecked. But she was glad it was over. As absurd it sounds, even to her I’m sure; she felt a thickness of happiness and the strolling sadness which followed.  She was glad she had escaped it. The tears, the daily routine of fighting which never ended. There was one thing to argue over and before it'd end, another argument would catch up. These were the devastating 4 months, but she has seen worse. She had too many worries for the next year at college. How everything would affect her studies, her family too. She had to come up for excuses why her eyes were red and swollen up. She couldn’t tell them she has been crying. So much that it burned her eyes and burned her nostrils and burned her heart. Her heart - that didn't believe in love anymore. Her heart that didn't know this would happen. But with the feeling of satisfaction that it was over, she let herself believe that a part of her, a very small bit of her, knew this would end someday. Because anything that makes her happy, never lasts for long. But the way it ended, she would've never imagined it. 

Over this? Just over this you left her and everything back and never came around. Maybe you might. But she won’t take you back. She won’t let herself be played again. Like she always told you, "I’m not your toy". 

She broke her own rules. The ones she had promised herself she never would. Just for you. 

And you, you just left.