Your struggle.

Source: wikiHow

I tend to feel certain things. See through certain things. And I can see through the hovering haze you surround yourself with. You say you're a different person now that you made yourself go through a complete transformation. But we never really lose our core, do we? It's always there. Always the artifact we revolve around. Always the sun to our earth. 

And no matter how much we convince ourselves that we've changed over the years, how we've lost the person we used to be, the change is only on the surface. Only on the outside. The part that the world sees. The change is merely a guarded response to the heart-breaking stimulus. And that is something very visible in you, you know. You try way too hard to be someone else. You seem to be struggling within and always thinking. Always a little distracted. You try too hard, I tell you. And that almost breaks my heart.  

That day, when you were talking about yourself that there are things you don't think about, things nobody knows, things that you want no one to know, it was then that you seemed your true self. It felt like you've been waiting a while to tell someone that there's more to you than what meets the eye.  You were eager and you talked with excitement that comes from being and accepting who you are. That excitement is the spark you need to hold onto. Don’t lose yourself in the walls you’re building around yourself. Don’t lose yourself in the fortress without an entrance.

But people, they suffocate and smother you. They target you. They hit where they know it hurts you. Don’t let them take control of who you are, of who you want to be, of who you aspire to be. Don’t choose to be someone else altogether because they don’t know how to treat you. The world does not know how to appreciate when you're not like everyone else. Don't let that turn you into everyone else.

The truth about the truth.

Hiding behind walls is so much easier than facing challenges. We live a life so protected that we miss out on so much that is raw and real. We end up doing to ourselves exactly what we’re protecting ourselves from. We end up hurting ourselves by denying the things our hearts want. Though giving it what it wants would be naive. The question that arises is: do we let others hurt us, or should we be the ones causing ourselves heartaches? The latter is what most of us choose. The latter is what I've chosen. You, being in your own shoes, know exactly what you did and what you’re going to do, and you rationalise the consequences for it. And why can’t be rationalise the hurt someone has caused us? We’re not in their mind. We don’t know just how malicious and cunning they can be. We love  being the victim, don’t we? I will not you claim to know the truth, simply because I do not. I do not know why people go to war or how did Boo Radley know Bob Ewell was trying to kill Scout and Jem (Ref: To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee). Because someone I met quite recently said that truth is just a perception. Truth is what you believe to be true. It is reality, it is fantasy, and it is neither. You will rationalise anything that you want the truth to be. If I believe unicorns exist, then that’s my truth. That is how we live. That’s how we build our realities. But if my perception could be wrong and why should anyone else have to put up with the consequences of my erroneous observations?

It only has to seem right to me for me to believe it, and then for me to convince you of it. Nothing is permanent and truth is no exception. The truth changes as we change. Sometimes it’s bitter, other times it’s not as much bitter, but mostly it’s deciding between whether to drown or stay afloat (it doesn’t matter if you’re telling the truth or hearing the truth).

(I'm trying to make a point here.)

People will be truthful and they will also lie and manipulate. And there is no way of controlling any of it. So stop whatever you’re doing and figure out your truth.

Them, and You.

Deprivation causes crime. Deprivation causes havoc. It causes disasters within you, and without you. How do you live with the demons inside your miserable mind? How do you fight your battles when the whole world seems against you? Your thoughts pull at you, grasp you with humiliation. Your thoughts, they never abandon you. You think you’re unsolicited, unwanted. You’re dejected and flawed. Oh honey, you’re not flawed. The society is. All they want is to make you pretend you’re one of them. They don't even care whether your heart belongs with them or not.  Because all of them, they’re pretending too.

They don’t care if you have big dreams. What are dreams anyway? Fragments of unreal cessation of reality. Who needs that when you've got  a game plan set in stone by the people who don’t know you. And I say that with absolute mock criticism. *winks with finger guns*

And that lot over there with their judgemental ideas and their cunning, disapproving looks, allow me to tell you how they feel as I type these very words. "Oh look at her with her outrageous and her criminal actions to set us astray from the ideals of our ancestors." Add in a haw-haye in there too if you may.

I feel sad and disappointed. What we, collectively as a society, have become is not something I would want to appreciate. The stimulus for this sort of behaviour being a number of things from the crappy Indian television shows to the misinterpretation of our own values through the generations.

We have become a bunch of haves and have-nots. And don't you think we are capable of something more than just that?

And they wish to deprive of your desires, not because they’re wrong but because they've been deprived of their own by people who are just like them. If only you knew how beautiful the inside of your mind is, how uncontaminated your heart is. You’d see then that the world is a better place because you’re here.

John Green — “You say you're not special because the world doesn't know about you, but that's an insult to me. I know about you.”

The Reality Inside Her

How did I get here? The question we all ask ourselves. How did we get here, how did we become who are right now, this moment? And how what we used to be only a year ago feels like a distant past. People change. And she changed. She could’ve told them how she couldn’t imagine her life without them by her side, but all she can feel is a lump in her throat. The feeling that she would only embarrass herself, that they would only laugh it off what she spent weeks thinking about, that what good is it to remind them that your guard is down.

When they misused, twisted, chewed and then threw her words in her face, they didn't know how impeccably disastrous it would be. She’s not insecure anymore, not uncertain. She’s only been hurt. Hurt enough to stop telling people she loves them and what they mean to her. Hurt enough to presume she doesn't matter anymore, even if she did. Hurt enough to start believe her words don’t mean much, if they meant anything at all.  

She thinks that they probably knew. They probably knew that she’s suffering. But do they, really? Is it that easy to throw people off? To make them think so contrary to the reality that only exists inside you? Is it really that easy to forge one’s bearing that even the closest of all fall for it? They did fall for it and it makes her feel a strange kind of sadness. But yet, she laughs it off. 

People around you need reassurance that they’re still wanted, and loved, and that you think them alive in the hours of death. They need to be reminded what they still mean to you or they’d have no reason to not start think otherwise. But when you mean equally to them, when they know you, wouldn’t they know this?

Don’t you know this.

Reality

We all need a prescription of a fairy-tale once in a while. We all need to believe that there exists something magical in our reality. That is, if reality exists without our mind to create it. But it doesn't  Reality is what we perceive of our surroundings. It is when we give meanings to things that haven’t even happened yet.

It is a blessing to have a tight grip on reality, but sometimes, you need a break from reality. You want to believe in the magical love that sweeps you off your feet and makes you fall head over heels for that special person. To be able to feel that rush, that tingly feeling in your toes and your hands, and feeling butterflies in your stomach. And your name sounds different when they say it. It sounds like the delicacy of a child, the breaking waves of an ocean.

How sad it is to listen to breakup songs before a year it might happen? How could that love not be more bitter than sweet? Or maybe it just isn't love at all. Maybe it’s just something we think we need, something that makes us feel we've let go of the past, something that replaces the thoughts we don’t want to think. Life isn't magical; love may or may not exist. If it does exist, it may never make you feel complete. And if it doesn't exist, there won’t be any questions to ask, no answers to give, no complications to solve, no confusions to  clarify, no hope and no expectations to be let down.

But how do we live without expecting the better outcome? It’s scary to not know what’s coming towards us, or what we’re going forward to is unknown, but what drives us crazy is to know that there will be no better outcome. How do you live with that? How can you not want to give up? When you think of giving up, I hope you think that you don’t really know what will the end be, or even if you’ll live to see it. This is where I tell myself to just live right now, in the present and not connect my future with my past and my past with my future, because I’m not the one to give the verdict of my own life.

Anything But Different

I’ve known you for 3 years and I always thought we were anything but similar. Of all the time I spent with you and all the secrets we shared, all I could encapsulate was that we were two different people from two completely different worlds that could never become one. I could never imagine stepping into yours and you probably didn’t want to step into mine.

I was always unsure if you even liked me. And I felt like you didn’t know how much I adored you.  Contemplating my words before, to make sure you understood exactly what I meant and I always ended up feeling the opposite.

And now that I see you go through the same things I’d just happen to overcome, I can’t help but feel I’m looking at my reflection in the water. The reflection went through the same experiences I had to go through. It has my blurry outlines, but it’s still me. 

And right now, I’m struggling to make you feel better if I can. Tell you the same things you told me that Friday afternoon. I don’t know if you believe me when I tell you that I have felt exactly the same, or I’ve cried for the same reasons, but it’s really true. I don’t blame you if you tell me it’s not the same.  Our wounds might be different, but they’ll leave the same scar. All I’m trying to tell you that I’ve been there where you are now; just to make you realize that it’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay to feel completely shattered, it’s okay to yearn for somebody who has, now, become so alienated. 

I thought we’d always be two different people in our two completely different worlds that could never become one. But now we seem to be in the same world, rather we seem to be the same person.  Maybe we’ve always been the same but we were too occupied to notice our similarities. And now 3 years later that I’ve known you, I know now that we’re anything but different.

You just left.

And you brought so much into her life. Her heart was cold, and frozen. And your warmth melted it. She saw so much more, felt so much more. She was living, breathing again. She broke my own rules. The ones she had promised herself she never would. Just for you And what did you do to her in the end? Hung up on her, left her. Forever. She was wrecked. But she was glad it was over. As absurd it sounds, even to her I’m sure; she felt a thickness of happiness and the strolling sadness which followed.  She was glad she had escaped it. The tears, the daily routine of fighting which never ended. There was one thing to argue over and before it'd end, another argument would catch up. These were the devastating 4 months, but she has seen worse. She had too many worries for the next year at college. How everything would affect her studies, her family too. She had to come up for excuses why her eyes were red and swollen up. She couldn’t tell them she has been crying. So much that it burned her eyes and burned her nostrils and burned her heart. Her heart - that didn't believe in love anymore. Her heart that didn't know this would happen. But with the feeling of satisfaction that it was over, she let herself believe that a part of her, a very small bit of her, knew this would end someday. Because anything that makes her happy, never lasts for long. But the way it ended, she would've never imagined it. 

Over this? Just over this you left her and everything back and never came around. Maybe you might. But she won’t take you back. She won’t let herself be played again. Like she always told you, "I’m not your toy". 

She broke her own rules. The ones she had promised herself she never would. Just for you. 

And you, you just left.

Fast Forward Life?

How many time have we wished we could fast forward life, skip the hard part so you don’t have to go through the pain? How many times do we think no one cares for us? How many times do we think that there’s no one to catch us when we fall? The truth is, most of the time, the answer is always negative. And it just kills you to think why. But you have to get on with it. There is no other option. You can not switch off your feelings and just get over the hurt.

You’re not really as much important for somebody as much as they say you are. And never believe they won’t hurt you, because words and actions are the two completely different things. They will hurt you and they will carve your heart on the wall. It’s easier to say that the cow jumped over the moon than to actually prove it.

    

In our lives, we will get back stabbed, be lied to, forgotten, not be forgiven for unintentional mistakes, we will be at times forced to take the blame for something we could never do. You will see sides of people you never thought you would. People will do things that will shake you up. But you know what, you gotta stay strong! Life is one heck of a journey.

With all this, we have to stay firm and believe in ourselves and that also is easier said than done! It’s quite hard to look over all the miseries and get the best of yourself. What you can do is, be at your own beck and call. How many time have you wished you could fast forward life?

Transformation

It’s ironic when two lives cross each other and things change. Out of nowhere, their lives collide like a mere coincidence. But nothing is a coincidence. It’s always meant to be. Things happen precipitously. So sudden that it takes a while to grasp it. To realize that it has happened, that things will be different from now on.

I was never used to change. I never liked how things just change to something else. And you watch it all happen it front of you but can’t stop it. You don’t even know it's happening when it’s happening. I hated how unaware one is while transition. Because the process is so slow that you barely notice it. You barely notice your life is being transformed into another. It used to take such long time for me to grab hold of the thought that it’s not the same anymore. That life is on another pathway now; things are going to be different now. I never accepted a change. I was fixated in wanting to have things going the way they’re going, and that was alright till the end of the world. And yet, I craved for new things when I got bored. Life is never easy with me, transforming or not.

Losing a friend could be as hurtful as it is. It’s a change one eventually gets used to though it took me a while, a long while. But finding love is the change that changes everything else. Looking back, when you see life from the beginning, you realize you’ve completely revolutionized as a person. And its not so bad.

Change is always good – that’s what I’ve always heard people say. But from what I know, most of the time, it’s not. Most of the time, it’s wrecking one’s life. Or maybe I just dramatize every single thing that happens to me.

A certain feeling..

It is so hard to stay in control all the time. It is so hard to hold it all together every single minute of every single day. To be able to take control and fix everything all the time and just when you’re about to fall off the edge, it comes to that breaking point where you want to give up and let chaos take place. And just for that time, you let your tragedies to ensue. And just for that time, you want to stand aside and watch everything go down. Right where it belonged in the first place.

When one of these days arrives, where you have no strength and compassion left at all to fight anything any longer, you will be so deprived of the love that you never had. You will burst out with every little insecurity you’ve ever felt within you. You will explode with the slightest contradiction. May it be a brainless, senseless opinion for the most silly and senseless little thing, you just can’t take it any more.

It’s hard, and it’s tough and it’s frustrating how anything anyone says pulls you off the track. It’s as simple as to realize you just want to be listened to, not heard. You just want to have things your way now, because you've had enough being altered, tainted, changed and then changed again into someone else.

There’s no end to this feeling. It comes and goes away, and then it comes back again. It lives in you forever.

Fear of loss.

The loss of a beloved one is colossal. Its so hard to define the amount pain that it carries through. Because there is no measurement for pain. The strongest of people grow weak. The mightiest of kings fall sick. Its untolerable and More especially when you have to go through the wrecks of disapproval one on one, one after another. One becomes a complete devastation turned out of misery. Deep scars don't go away easy, and neither does the pain.  And feeling like the last person left in the universe is nothing compared to the loneliness that it holds.

You just develop the conviction, you know, that everyone is going to leave at some point. Maybe too soon, or maybe too late, but they will leave. Because you're in yourself not a reason enough for anyone to stay. Because you're worthless. That's all that you are, worthless and futile. And no one and nothing in the world can change that. Because no one can deny the truth.

But then, almost like a real fairytale, someone comes along to wakes you up from your sleep. Their kiss of love turns your world around. And suddenly everything that you knew, changed. And this unaccustomed world is indubitably where you wanted to be. Where you always wanted to be. A place where you've been before. A place from where you had to leave. And yet, here it is again, but this will be the last time you let someone came around. But its here again, only better and ameliorated. And then the rain is suddenly a blessing.

You're beautiful.

Seasons change, people change. Things fall apart, and then they fall together. Things And we should move on because there are so may wonderful yet bitter-sweet yet amazing things out there, waiting to happen to you. Life has its lemons to throw at you, its upto you to take and squeeze 'em or get hit by 'em.happen. 

But you know what, there are so many things that you will do. So many achievements to earn, so many opportunities to hold, so many wonders to create, so many lives to inspire, so many hearts to capture. Never let yourself down and I will never let you hit the ground. You're meant to be taken care of because you are that special. You're strong and I know that, I've seen that. You're impeccable in what you are. You're flawless, there's nothing anyone would ever want to change about to you. You're deep and rooted and just unbelievably unexplainable.

November 2, 2011.

You are one of the very few people I solely love. And its impossible for me to explain how much. And how easy and simple you make it for anyone to love you. I love listening to you, knowing that you have things to tell me. I love doing things for you. And as cheesy as it sounds, I don't care because you're my best friend, my sister and I love you for everything that you are. You're amazing. I just wanna let you know that you're beautiful in your own.

You.

Life has so much to give; the good and the bad, the reckless and the profound. Life gives from one hand and takes from the other. Too often we don’t see what we get; too often we only see what we lose. They say, when something is taken away from you, you’re meant to incur something better. And good things fall apart so that better things can fall together. Better things do fall together.

I haven't known you for a long time. But if this falls apart, nothing better will fall together because there won’t be anything better than this. I haven’t known you for a long time. I haven’t known you for a long enough time to even realize you could mean so much to me, but you do. To even believe, for me, when all of this happened so soon, so suddenly, in such a spur of a moment that it was impossible to even think of holding back. Because there was no holding back with you. So my world, my worthless, empty, dark world commenced to revolve around you.

I was never so careful with people. I was never this doubtful until some things happened. But you, you changed everything. Silence was the only sound I wanted to hear, but then you came around. As sudden as it was, I am still amazed. You went first with everything. If it was upto me, I wouldn't have come out of my closure. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have you.

Breaking free.

Sometimes things just fall into place. Just like that. They're all fixed and sorted out and just done. Your life turns around and then it turns the other way around all over again. There comes a turning point where you're breaking all your rules and there's no sure reason to it. But sometimes the reason is a person. Probably that person, who unknowingly, is bringing you back to what you used to be. The whole process is so bitter-sweet because you're torn between getting hurt and feeling the love and closeness.

You just remember how to feel again. You feel more real. Just more human. Just alive. And that's something you thought you could never go back to because you would never be able to get too close to anyone. Because every time that you did, it left you broken. But things change and some things, they're meant to change and change again. Some things just bring you back to life. And that's scaring, literally frightening, yet relishing, amusing and where you're just in an awe to stand and stare at everything that is happening.

To grab hold of something so irreplaceable, someone so irreplaceable, as much nerve-wrecking because you’re constantly worried that they might slip away. What if it ends? What if it ends the same way like it always did? What if that person goes away? What is left? This will be the last time. Anyone who knows can tell. This will be the last time when you're breaking free.

Changes don't change back.

Changes don’t change back no matter what you do. No matter how “okay” you are with whatever has happened, no matter the number of times you’ve tried to convince people that it does not mean anything to you anymore. And no matter how many times you’ve told yourself you’re done with it but you’re not. You can not pass an order. Feelings and emotions and hurt don’t go away like that. You’re gonna want it back at some point, very soon or too after. You’re gonna want it so bad that it gets so much harder to even face it. You become so weak that it literally hurts when you think or hear or just come across about anything that happened and changed everything.

What’s done can not be undone. Once said, it can not be unsaid. Why not? The things that hurt the most are the things that can not be undone. Well, why not? Why can't we go back to how things used to be, how everything used to be. It could've been a blessing. You even learn to let go, but then at certain times and certain situations, it becomes something impossible for you to do or to stick with it.

How do we accept all these things that happen? Who can we blame? And for what part of the situation we cry about. Sometimes all you need is.... No, we all need different things in the same situation because all of us, we're different from each other. But we pray and know the same, changes don't change back. And all you can do is wish.

People.

People. The most interesting living beings. People have the most influence on me. They can inspire me to such an extend that i'm changed inside and out. People, for me hold the ability to change a life, whether it'd be as unimportant as mine. Every other promises to stay, but things build up to such a situation that they just leave, they leave me with their version of myself, which is so hard to deal with because they're not there anymore, they're far gone and they have someone that replaces me.

I have always been to change when a new person came along. And I have stopped doing that. I would be so much different than I am in so many ways because I would lose my opinions and thoughts that I never had. Because everything I believed in was owned by the last person that left me.  I've always let them turn me into themselves because I've always been alone and I've wanted a safe place to go to when everything else is wrong, when everything else is running out of hands. And I've always needed a hideout shelter I never had. I've always been alone. I've always needed a hideout shelter I never had.

No matter the number of rough experiences I've had with people, I've lost the intimacy at some level and I may lose the intimacy at all but I will never lose the interest of watching them from a distance and knowing their ways. How they tend to do one thing and turn out doing another People, indeed the most interesting living beings.

I miss you, buddy.

How do you tell someone you miss them? It has always been the hardest thing for me, the hardest ever. It takes every ounce of caurage for me to say the words. How do you say sorry and have them know that you really, truly mean it?  How do you know that they really know what you're trying to say, and what you're saying is right?  A broken friendship is hard to deal with, because you don't have anyone to go when things with your best friend go wrong. You no more have that safe hide out place. You no more have that one person you can complain about your day, and tell funny stories to, and say whatever and act completely insane with. Once you've had it, and then when you no longer have it, its something so devastating that can not be descibed in words. One must experience it to understand the feeling of complete recklessness.

I may seem okay, but all I can ever think about is that one person that I'm no longer close to and its been so complicated  and its been so long that I can barely remember what exactly went wrong and where.  All I know is that all I want now is just to have that person back, and everything like the way it used to be before. But nothing ever goes back to as it was before.

And if that person is reading this right now, and if you know this about you,and you would, because its that obvious. I just want to tell you that I miss you; and I never said this to you because I couln't gather enough courage to even say that. And I know that you know this is for you, because it is that obvious. I miss you, buddy.

Figure it out!

Over this summer, I realised that you can't really walk out on people no matter what you do. You will always come across them, you might even just go back to them. You just can not block them out of your life. You can block anyone using your "Security" and "Privacy"  settings on your Facebook or mail account but that isn't possible is real life. They might just come across in a mall or a street or anywhere possible. There's no "block" button to click and ignore them right there. You will see them sooner or later. Usually it tends to be sooner than later.

Its very hard to just cope up with someone you don't like or just don't get along with, you're just annoyed for no particular reason. You can not walk out on people. You can not leave them and just disappear somewhere. Although one does wish that was possible at certain occasions when you can't take it more, when its been so long that you've had your say, when you've been just you and no one else.

There always is that certain time in your life that you need to be alone. Just very alone. No social networking websites, no texts or calls and barely any friends; or whom I would like to call "acquaintances". You got to figure out life and you can not do that with everyone. You have to figure out aims and purposes, family, friendships, people, love and set them in order. Saying everything, when you've never said anything. Sometime you just need to take a stand and let others know what you want, what you think; because if you wouldn't, who would?

Changes happen.

It's amazing how a person can go through such an immense transformation. It's like reincarnating within yourself. There are so many changes a person can go through. It's uncountable and untraceable. Day by day it seems nothing is changing and probably most things won't, but when you look back after a while, you realise all the things and people that have changed. Slowly. Without you noticing. The process is so slow that you can merely see it happen when its happening. It's bitter-sweet. A lot more bitter than sweet. Every other person says change is good. I say change is good. I often wonder how it is so. No one ever seems to like the change whether it'd be of any kind. You just learn to live with it. And get used to it eventually. That's human nature, the tendency of persuasion, and proneness. But anything you get used to doesn't portray its goodness or likeability. Its just a matter of time that takes one to realise and get on with the changes.

The changes you decide are the hard ones. The changes someone decides are the hardest ones. You can go back and change you mind but you can't go back and change someone else's mind. It's not easy for me to know that the change someone else decides for themselves changes you completely. It's when a final blow finally hits you and you just stand there watching it all happen so suddenly or too slowly. Either way, there's nothing you can do about it. And it's sad because you never chose it to happen to you. And then there comes a time when you realise it won't be the same today as it was yesterday, it will never be the same tomorrow as it is today.

“Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.” - Winston Churchill

Worst feeling ever.

Worst feeling ever? Not knowing the reason why you feel like nothing. You can't put your finger on what's really wrong. You know you've moved on from so much, or have you? Do you just think you've moved on, and gotten over the pain? Or do you just keep lingering to the past unknowingly. If you're not over, you should know. If you're over it, that you should know too. So why does it feel like you're about to have an intense breakdown? You never do. And its just sad because all that locked drawers of mixed feelings never even get a peak inside. All those emotions have been balled up inside and you never find a way to let them out. What could you answer to "what's wrong?" when you don't even know it yourself.

You can spend months, years trying to fix everything, but it never goes back to how it was. You don't even know which one thing you want to go back to, or do you want to go back at all. It doesn't make a difference because you can't go back even if you want to. There are never any turning points. There's no way you can just go back, literally or figuratively. There's only one way you can go, and that's the one going forward. Just forget and move on. And in the end of the day, that's all you can do.