Your struggle.

Source: wikiHow

I tend to feel certain things. See through certain things. And I can see through the hovering haze you surround yourself with. You say you're a different person now that you made yourself go through a complete transformation. But we never really lose our core, do we? It's always there. Always the artifact we revolve around. Always the sun to our earth. 

And no matter how much we convince ourselves that we've changed over the years, how we've lost the person we used to be, the change is only on the surface. Only on the outside. The part that the world sees. The change is merely a guarded response to the heart-breaking stimulus. And that is something very visible in you, you know. You try way too hard to be someone else. You seem to be struggling within and always thinking. Always a little distracted. You try too hard, I tell you. And that almost breaks my heart.  

That day, when you were talking about yourself that there are things you don't think about, things nobody knows, things that you want no one to know, it was then that you seemed your true self. It felt like you've been waiting a while to tell someone that there's more to you than what meets the eye.  You were eager and you talked with excitement that comes from being and accepting who you are. That excitement is the spark you need to hold onto. Don’t lose yourself in the walls you’re building around yourself. Don’t lose yourself in the fortress without an entrance.

But people, they suffocate and smother you. They target you. They hit where they know it hurts you. Don’t let them take control of who you are, of who you want to be, of who you aspire to be. Don’t choose to be someone else altogether because they don’t know how to treat you. The world does not know how to appreciate when you're not like everyone else. Don't let that turn you into everyone else.

Worst feeling ever.

Worst feeling ever? Not knowing the reason why you feel like nothing. You can't put your finger on what's really wrong. You know you've moved on from so much, or have you? Do you just think you've moved on, and gotten over the pain? Or do you just keep lingering to the past unknowingly. If you're not over, you should know. If you're over it, that you should know too. So why does it feel like you're about to have an intense breakdown? You never do. And its just sad because all that locked drawers of mixed feelings never even get a peak inside. All those emotions have been balled up inside and you never find a way to let them out. What could you answer to "what's wrong?" when you don't even know it yourself.

You can spend months, years trying to fix everything, but it never goes back to how it was. You don't even know which one thing you want to go back to, or do you want to go back at all. It doesn't make a difference because you can't go back even if you want to. There are never any turning points. There's no way you can just go back, literally or figuratively. There's only one way you can go, and that's the one going forward. Just forget and move on. And in the end of the day, that's all you can do.

How do you feel?

It's a sad thing when you don't know how to feel. You just sit there, trying to figure out what is it that you really want. What is it that you're really missing out on? Even when you're busy, it's still there in the back of your mind; the feeling, it's just...there.

The worst time is when you're up really late, and alone, and you're wishing for something to distract you from this almost-agonizing feeling. There's never nothing on T.V., all your friends are asleep and you just sit there in your bed, thinking about nothing, and everything. Just thinking. You've never tried so hard to be busy, you've never tried so hard to sleep to keep you from thinking. It's like waiting on a miracle thats just about to happen. It never does. No miracle is gonna happen and take this feeling away that's soaking your blood. You feel weak, and you actually feel a hole inside you chest, a huge empty space right there inside of you. And then comes a time that you realize you've stopped living for yourself. You're life's not yours anymore. You feel lifeless, soulless. You dream, but now it's not for yourself anymore. The only thing you do for yourself is just thinking that would there ever be when you truly feel complete; when that empty space inside is is all filled up, or just gone.  And you just don't know when that is going to happen.