A certain feeling..

It is so hard to stay in control all the time. It is so hard to hold it all together every single minute of every single day. To be able to take control and fix everything all the time and just when you’re about to fall off the edge, it comes to that breaking point where you want to give up and let chaos take place. And just for that time, you let your tragedies to ensue. And just for that time, you want to stand aside and watch everything go down. Right where it belonged in the first place.

When one of these days arrives, where you have no strength and compassion left at all to fight anything any longer, you will be so deprived of the love that you never had. You will burst out with every little insecurity you’ve ever felt within you. You will explode with the slightest contradiction. May it be a brainless, senseless opinion for the most silly and senseless little thing, you just can’t take it any more.

It’s hard, and it’s tough and it’s frustrating how anything anyone says pulls you off the track. It’s as simple as to realize you just want to be listened to, not heard. You just want to have things your way now, because you've had enough being altered, tainted, changed and then changed again into someone else.

There’s no end to this feeling. It comes and goes away, and then it comes back again. It lives in you forever.

Fear of loss.

The loss of a beloved one is colossal. Its so hard to define the amount pain that it carries through. Because there is no measurement for pain. The strongest of people grow weak. The mightiest of kings fall sick. Its untolerable and More especially when you have to go through the wrecks of disapproval one on one, one after another. One becomes a complete devastation turned out of misery. Deep scars don't go away easy, and neither does the pain.  And feeling like the last person left in the universe is nothing compared to the loneliness that it holds.

You just develop the conviction, you know, that everyone is going to leave at some point. Maybe too soon, or maybe too late, but they will leave. Because you're in yourself not a reason enough for anyone to stay. Because you're worthless. That's all that you are, worthless and futile. And no one and nothing in the world can change that. Because no one can deny the truth.

But then, almost like a real fairytale, someone comes along to wakes you up from your sleep. Their kiss of love turns your world around. And suddenly everything that you knew, changed. And this unaccustomed world is indubitably where you wanted to be. Where you always wanted to be. A place where you've been before. A place from where you had to leave. And yet, here it is again, but this will be the last time you let someone came around. But its here again, only better and ameliorated. And then the rain is suddenly a blessing.

You're beautiful.

Seasons change, people change. Things fall apart, and then they fall together. Things And we should move on because there are so may wonderful yet bitter-sweet yet amazing things out there, waiting to happen to you. Life has its lemons to throw at you, its upto you to take and squeeze 'em or get hit by 'em.happen. 

But you know what, there are so many things that you will do. So many achievements to earn, so many opportunities to hold, so many wonders to create, so many lives to inspire, so many hearts to capture. Never let yourself down and I will never let you hit the ground. You're meant to be taken care of because you are that special. You're strong and I know that, I've seen that. You're impeccable in what you are. You're flawless, there's nothing anyone would ever want to change about to you. You're deep and rooted and just unbelievably unexplainable.

November 2, 2011.

You are one of the very few people I solely love. And its impossible for me to explain how much. And how easy and simple you make it for anyone to love you. I love listening to you, knowing that you have things to tell me. I love doing things for you. And as cheesy as it sounds, I don't care because you're my best friend, my sister and I love you for everything that you are. You're amazing. I just wanna let you know that you're beautiful in your own.

You.

Life has so much to give; the good and the bad, the reckless and the profound. Life gives from one hand and takes from the other. Too often we don’t see what we get; too often we only see what we lose. They say, when something is taken away from you, you’re meant to incur something better. And good things fall apart so that better things can fall together. Better things do fall together.

I haven't known you for a long time. But if this falls apart, nothing better will fall together because there won’t be anything better than this. I haven’t known you for a long time. I haven’t known you for a long enough time to even realize you could mean so much to me, but you do. To even believe, for me, when all of this happened so soon, so suddenly, in such a spur of a moment that it was impossible to even think of holding back. Because there was no holding back with you. So my world, my worthless, empty, dark world commenced to revolve around you.

I was never so careful with people. I was never this doubtful until some things happened. But you, you changed everything. Silence was the only sound I wanted to hear, but then you came around. As sudden as it was, I am still amazed. You went first with everything. If it was upto me, I wouldn't have come out of my closure. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have you.

Breaking free.

Sometimes things just fall into place. Just like that. They're all fixed and sorted out and just done. Your life turns around and then it turns the other way around all over again. There comes a turning point where you're breaking all your rules and there's no sure reason to it. But sometimes the reason is a person. Probably that person, who unknowingly, is bringing you back to what you used to be. The whole process is so bitter-sweet because you're torn between getting hurt and feeling the love and closeness.

You just remember how to feel again. You feel more real. Just more human. Just alive. And that's something you thought you could never go back to because you would never be able to get too close to anyone. Because every time that you did, it left you broken. But things change and some things, they're meant to change and change again. Some things just bring you back to life. And that's scaring, literally frightening, yet relishing, amusing and where you're just in an awe to stand and stare at everything that is happening.

To grab hold of something so irreplaceable, someone so irreplaceable, as much nerve-wrecking because you’re constantly worried that they might slip away. What if it ends? What if it ends the same way like it always did? What if that person goes away? What is left? This will be the last time. Anyone who knows can tell. This will be the last time when you're breaking free.

Changes don't change back.

Changes don’t change back no matter what you do. No matter how “okay” you are with whatever has happened, no matter the number of times you’ve tried to convince people that it does not mean anything to you anymore. And no matter how many times you’ve told yourself you’re done with it but you’re not. You can not pass an order. Feelings and emotions and hurt don’t go away like that. You’re gonna want it back at some point, very soon or too after. You’re gonna want it so bad that it gets so much harder to even face it. You become so weak that it literally hurts when you think or hear or just come across about anything that happened and changed everything.

What’s done can not be undone. Once said, it can not be unsaid. Why not? The things that hurt the most are the things that can not be undone. Well, why not? Why can't we go back to how things used to be, how everything used to be. It could've been a blessing. You even learn to let go, but then at certain times and certain situations, it becomes something impossible for you to do or to stick with it.

How do we accept all these things that happen? Who can we blame? And for what part of the situation we cry about. Sometimes all you need is.... No, we all need different things in the same situation because all of us, we're different from each other. But we pray and know the same, changes don't change back. And all you can do is wish.

People.

People. The most interesting living beings. People have the most influence on me. They can inspire me to such an extend that i'm changed inside and out. People, for me hold the ability to change a life, whether it'd be as unimportant as mine. Every other promises to stay, but things build up to such a situation that they just leave, they leave me with their version of myself, which is so hard to deal with because they're not there anymore, they're far gone and they have someone that replaces me.

I have always been to change when a new person came along. And I have stopped doing that. I would be so much different than I am in so many ways because I would lose my opinions and thoughts that I never had. Because everything I believed in was owned by the last person that left me.  I've always let them turn me into themselves because I've always been alone and I've wanted a safe place to go to when everything else is wrong, when everything else is running out of hands. And I've always needed a hideout shelter I never had. I've always been alone. I've always needed a hideout shelter I never had.

No matter the number of rough experiences I've had with people, I've lost the intimacy at some level and I may lose the intimacy at all but I will never lose the interest of watching them from a distance and knowing their ways. How they tend to do one thing and turn out doing another People, indeed the most interesting living beings.

I miss you, buddy.

How do you tell someone you miss them? It has always been the hardest thing for me, the hardest ever. It takes every ounce of caurage for me to say the words. How do you say sorry and have them know that you really, truly mean it?  How do you know that they really know what you're trying to say, and what you're saying is right?  A broken friendship is hard to deal with, because you don't have anyone to go when things with your best friend go wrong. You no more have that safe hide out place. You no more have that one person you can complain about your day, and tell funny stories to, and say whatever and act completely insane with. Once you've had it, and then when you no longer have it, its something so devastating that can not be descibed in words. One must experience it to understand the feeling of complete recklessness.

I may seem okay, but all I can ever think about is that one person that I'm no longer close to and its been so complicated  and its been so long that I can barely remember what exactly went wrong and where.  All I know is that all I want now is just to have that person back, and everything like the way it used to be before. But nothing ever goes back to as it was before.

And if that person is reading this right now, and if you know this about you,and you would, because its that obvious. I just want to tell you that I miss you; and I never said this to you because I couln't gather enough courage to even say that. And I know that you know this is for you, because it is that obvious. I miss you, buddy.

Figure it out!

Over this summer, I realised that you can't really walk out on people no matter what you do. You will always come across them, you might even just go back to them. You just can not block them out of your life. You can block anyone using your "Security" and "Privacy"  settings on your Facebook or mail account but that isn't possible is real life. They might just come across in a mall or a street or anywhere possible. There's no "block" button to click and ignore them right there. You will see them sooner or later. Usually it tends to be sooner than later.

Its very hard to just cope up with someone you don't like or just don't get along with, you're just annoyed for no particular reason. You can not walk out on people. You can not leave them and just disappear somewhere. Although one does wish that was possible at certain occasions when you can't take it more, when its been so long that you've had your say, when you've been just you and no one else.

There always is that certain time in your life that you need to be alone. Just very alone. No social networking websites, no texts or calls and barely any friends; or whom I would like to call "acquaintances". You got to figure out life and you can not do that with everyone. You have to figure out aims and purposes, family, friendships, people, love and set them in order. Saying everything, when you've never said anything. Sometime you just need to take a stand and let others know what you want, what you think; because if you wouldn't, who would?

Changes happen.

It's amazing how a person can go through such an immense transformation. It's like reincarnating within yourself. There are so many changes a person can go through. It's uncountable and untraceable. Day by day it seems nothing is changing and probably most things won't, but when you look back after a while, you realise all the things and people that have changed. Slowly. Without you noticing. The process is so slow that you can merely see it happen when its happening. It's bitter-sweet. A lot more bitter than sweet. Every other person says change is good. I say change is good. I often wonder how it is so. No one ever seems to like the change whether it'd be of any kind. You just learn to live with it. And get used to it eventually. That's human nature, the tendency of persuasion, and proneness. But anything you get used to doesn't portray its goodness or likeability. Its just a matter of time that takes one to realise and get on with the changes.

The changes you decide are the hard ones. The changes someone decides are the hardest ones. You can go back and change you mind but you can't go back and change someone else's mind. It's not easy for me to know that the change someone else decides for themselves changes you completely. It's when a final blow finally hits you and you just stand there watching it all happen so suddenly or too slowly. Either way, there's nothing you can do about it. And it's sad because you never chose it to happen to you. And then there comes a time when you realise it won't be the same today as it was yesterday, it will never be the same tomorrow as it is today.

“Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.” - Winston Churchill

Worst feeling ever.

Worst feeling ever? Not knowing the reason why you feel like nothing. You can't put your finger on what's really wrong. You know you've moved on from so much, or have you? Do you just think you've moved on, and gotten over the pain? Or do you just keep lingering to the past unknowingly. If you're not over, you should know. If you're over it, that you should know too. So why does it feel like you're about to have an intense breakdown? You never do. And its just sad because all that locked drawers of mixed feelings never even get a peak inside. All those emotions have been balled up inside and you never find a way to let them out. What could you answer to "what's wrong?" when you don't even know it yourself.

You can spend months, years trying to fix everything, but it never goes back to how it was. You don't even know which one thing you want to go back to, or do you want to go back at all. It doesn't make a difference because you can't go back even if you want to. There are never any turning points. There's no way you can just go back, literally or figuratively. There's only one way you can go, and that's the one going forward. Just forget and move on. And in the end of the day, that's all you can do.

Someone More Than A Friend

You know what? Anyone can clearly tell that you like her, because you've been saying some things that just state the fact so. Not that you said "the words" but it really is all that clear, even to her. But is she ready now? Will she be ready, ever? Things have been tough on her lately, and you appeal to her more than anything right now. But she has gone through so much that she is literally scared to trust anyone at this point. Because everyone who said that they'll never break her heart, did. And it gets harder with every passing day. I'm not going to overstate about everything and how it all has been so hard on her. Things haven't been too easier for you either. But somehow you seem to have been moved on from all that in the past. So has she, or does she just comes off that way?

"I will never let you down." Well she has heard that one before. She was made to believe she was perfect, now every piece of her denies the definition of "perfect". You blame yourself, but its not your fault. You weren't even there when it all happened so stop blaming yourself that some part of you might have did wrong to her.  Such simple things can turn into major complications before you know it. A simple friends changes to someone more than just a friend. You learn to overlook the feeling, but it never really goes away. She's someone more than a friend to you, but you're just a friend to her. It never really turns out the way you hoped for it to. There's not enough reasons. There's only enough of a person that you can destroy until they're indignant and enough agonized not to feel anything else, not even pain.

I hope you find your way. And I hope she finds her way too, or will she?

Broken.

She knows everything about love and relationships that she needs to know: they don't last. She knows everything about relationships that she needs to know because you hurt her over again and again, and got her coming back for you every single time. Not because she didn't know, but because she chose to look over the details of a wreck you were turning her into. The more it went on, the deeper she went in, but you were always shallow. Why did you had to be this way? Wrong question. Right question would be, 'what the heck was she thinking when she said "I love you"?' How can one be so deeply in love that they overlook every single flaw, every lie? Is it possible to be that patient, and to think you'd change someday? You could never change. Feelings mean nothing to you. And one day, you'd get stabbed in the heart like you stabbed her and left her bleeding. She had given up for good; on relationships, on friends, on life. But everyone's saviour comes around sooner or later. Her's came around sooner. And she was healing from all the pain, the scars, the fear. She laughed more often, cried a lot less. She looked full of life, again. Just when she had gotten over you, you come back and took her by surprise. You just couldn't stand her being happy, could you? You had to, you just had to come back in her life again to cause the damage she just had recovered. But you got her coming back for you, again, like you always did. You made her go through even worse now, but she didn't overlook this time. She had her say, she had her choice. But you never stopped her as she walked away. You never did. She gave you everything, and she still hasn't got anything back. So much for loving you. 

Stay strong, be inspired!

I see you. I see you fighting against it all. I can't even imagine how hard it must be, how hard it could be for you to deal through it all, every single day for the last few years. You don't know that I know, but I hope you realize that you have something special about you. Something so amazing that simple words can not describe it, not the words that I know of. You're still so young, and you were even younger when all this started and I still can't imagine how you've been making it through. I couldn't even imagine to put myself in your shoes and be half as strong as you are, or be as hopeful as you are. You've got this thing in you, that just shines through you. Light the world as you go along, because you could inspire the ones around you. Because you can teach them to be strong. Because they can turn their lives around by looking up to you. Because you've inspired me, because you've taught me to be stronger than I ever could be, and do by my such tiny, little so-called problems.

You try so hard to keep yourself distracted, and you don't let it show. But I can see you hurting and I pretend along that there's nothing wrong, like you do. Your laugh seems to counterfeited. Its never easy when your life's ripped apart, is it? But you seem to be holding it all together well enough, not that it doesn't hurt. I bet it does, a lot. But you're strong. And you're going to get everything you deserve. Stay hopeful. Stay Strong. Stay yourself. Because there's nothing you could ever be better at than being yourself. You may not know that I know any of this, but I just couldn't imagine being you, I just couldn't imagine being strong enough.

Don’t you give up hope, its all that I pray for.

How do you feel?

It's a sad thing when you don't know how to feel. You just sit there, trying to figure out what is it that you really want. What is it that you're really missing out on? Even when you're busy, it's still there in the back of your mind; the feeling, it's just...there.

The worst time is when you're up really late, and alone, and you're wishing for something to distract you from this almost-agonizing feeling. There's never nothing on T.V., all your friends are asleep and you just sit there in your bed, thinking about nothing, and everything. Just thinking. You've never tried so hard to be busy, you've never tried so hard to sleep to keep you from thinking. It's like waiting on a miracle thats just about to happen. It never does. No miracle is gonna happen and take this feeling away that's soaking your blood. You feel weak, and you actually feel a hole inside you chest, a huge empty space right there inside of you. And then comes a time that you realize you've stopped living for yourself. You're life's not yours anymore. You feel lifeless, soulless. You dream, but now it's not for yourself anymore. The only thing you do for yourself is just thinking that would there ever be when you truly feel complete; when that empty space inside is is all filled up, or just gone.  And you just don't know when that is going to happen.